The Chaos Between The Heart and Head

Today's post is going to be incredibly unfiltered. I feel like an emotional wreck, so much so that the phrase “you are an emotional wreck” has been playing on a loop in my head. It is this wretched statement I want to own. While I absolutely feel emotionally out of control, the ownership of that statement is a contributor to the mess.

There is undoubtedly a significant amount of chaos happening between my heart and my head. The whirlwind of mixed messages and emotions is astounding. As we all know, I am a feeler, sometimes to a fault, but this is at a whole other level. I can’t really go into much detail, not because I don’t want to, but because I am still trying to figure it out.

The thing that keeps coming at me is conflict. I am so conflicted between my present and my future. Joe and I are actively pursuing our futures right now and it is amazing and hard and turbulent and rewarding and, my oh my, am I expectant! In the meantime, as we are working, the emotions that I have been hit with are fierce to say the least. So, for all you brave hearts, here is look into some of the emotions I’ve been plagued with: 

    Grief

    Excitement

    Joy (on some days) 

    Complete overwhelm (for no good reason)

    Fear

    Guilt

    Disappointment

    Injustice

I had no idea you could feel so much simultaneously, UGH!

It’s beautifully out of control and what is it all for? Because this girl needs reasons.

So to answer my own question: I think I'm learning a deeper level of trust. I am growing more intimate with the art of letting go and losing control (the good loss of control). I've realized that I have this need to want to do things right the first time (what a novel idea!) but that’s not how life works. Sometimes the best lessons come from mistakes and I hate that. I want to pick the right place to live, the right people to tribe with, and I want to not care so much what people think of the decisions I am making. None of this is intentional, I just get caught up in it all sometimes!

Learning to center myself is becoming a daily practice and a skill I will master. When I am bombarded with doubt and fear and negativity, I will continue to refuse to stay there. I will allow myself to feel, yet I will not be swallowed up by those feelings. Even writing this helps me to find center.

These are the things I know about myself:

        I am a pioneer.

        I am brave.

        I am in the right place even if it’s the wrong place (because of the tribe).

        I will live a life worthy of my destiny.

        I will not shut down even when I’m overwhelmed.

        I will embrace accountability. 

        I will be honest with myself and others.

        And

        I will fail and it will make me wiser.

Growth is a mountain; you climb up one side and fall down the other, then you get up dust yourself off and do it again.

My hope for you, dear one, is that you don’t give up! That you pursue your destiny. That you seek the truth and when you find it, you embrace it as a close companion.

Don’t numb yourself, don’t hide, find your tribe, and be brave!

Thank you for reading.

See you next Tuesday!