Come To The Table

Today’s post is a sequel to one I wrote in 2013. We had not really invited others into our story at that point because it was personal and deep and we coveted our privacy. Also, there was something within me that was sure it wasn't safe to share. So when we were approached by our dear friend, who had been walking the journey with us, we knew it was time to clothe ourselves in bravery and enter the spotlight. 

As I re-read this blog so many things still ring true and I encourage you to read this post before diving into the words below. 

While there are so many truths in that 2013 writing, there are many things that have changed and places that have experienced undeniable growth. In these precious years of change and learning, our perspectives have expanded tremendously and the foundation for our beliefs have shifted. There were 5 mainstays that I want to revisit from that original posting. 

So here it is: the table is set, the place settings are laid, and the meal is nutritious, so grab your seat at the table; you are invited to partake. 

The Soup (course 1): At the time of the original post we were 5 years into our journey, we are now at year 9. 

Time has truly flown by. We are almost into a decade of marriage and it has been sweet, salty, and even bland at times, but it has gone by quicker than I ever thought it would. We could not have planned this life out better, it is ravishingly fractured. Fractures are small breaks that eventually heal, it’s in the process of healing that we are challenged to endure. Endure the discomfort and the pain until the brokenness is healed and there is full mobility once again. You see, there is one thing Joe and I have consciously made an effort to embrace, and this is being fully in each day. We look toward the future, we dream, we forge new paths, we breathe in our surroundings, and 9 years later our journey seems like it’s only beginning. 

The Appetizer (course 2): "Regardless of infertility's difficult journey, we know that God's intentions for us are good.” 

This statement makes me chuckle a little and I know that, of course God’s intentions for us are good, but at the time I may have been struggling to believe that. So I said it and said it and said it again until I knew deep in my soul. I repeated this until it became the currency in the exchange between my heart and mind. The truth is, owning infertility makes the journey difficult. I’ve come to learn that you choose what you own. 

The Salad (course 3): "We have learned to completely and wholeheartedly trust God through this process.” 

Leaning on your spouse and your tribe in hard times is a must. Trusting God always is as necessary as breathing. Often times we did not walk this statement out. We learned and forgot it, then repeated the process about 1,000 times and are still learning it today. As time continues and we continue, we are growing into our best selves. And with each expansion of us, we are presented the opportunity to trust more and in a different way. Trusting in someone bigger, smarter, and MUCH more capable than you eases the difficulties on your journey. It allowed us to take the pressure off, because there is only so much we can do. I, Carrie, am okay with handing that over.

Main Course (course 4): "While we would love to have biological children, and how I would love to conceive and carry our child, we know that we are called to adopt.” 

Funny enough, my feelings have drastically changed on this one. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism or maybe it’s how I’m coping with disappoint, but I don’t feel like it is. I don’t have the desire to conceive or carry our child. There are so many kids out there that deserve a good home and I want to adopt them and make that part of my contribution to culture and society. There is so much more I’d like to say about that but that will have to happen another day.

Dessert (course 5): We are confident that the path we are on is not ours alone. 

We are confident that our present suffering is minute compared a joy that awaits us. This path we have been forging has been dark and dismal but there is something ever so sweet about it. Not the suffering itself but rather what it is producing in us: a grateful heart, steadfast desire for justice, and a solace in relationship.

My friends, barrenness is like living deep within a cavern, it’s easy to slink away to the darkness and hide, but your perspective increases as you have the courage to make your way toward the light. 

Thank you for joining me at the table. I hope you’re leaving full and that you invite others to your table. Your story matters and we desire to partake with you.

Thank you for reading.

See you next Tuesday.